now that i have a feeling everyone i know isnt reading this right now, i guess i can actually use this as a joural. i get a feeling last time i posted in this, i probably said the same thing. i dont care, because no one i know is reading this, its beautiful.
so, new developments in my life;
i learned my assistant director is quitting. its still underwraps, and i have a feeling the the compant wont be around much longer after that. its not like a have some kind of special education the makes me qualified to run a food pantry, and my experience isnt THAT great. what shall i do? more on that later...
and, as the subject suggests, i have been having a kind of spiritual crisis of sorts. it started with me analyzing the way i run relationships, i really want people to do the right thing, and the moment they dont i turn my back on the with no warning. i started thinking that really, thats how god is. he really cares, but you better not fuck up, or hell everlasting is your reward. well, i got over that, god isnt a hater, hes a lover. there isnt a line you can cross, and come on, he'll take you back. after that, i thought, wait, no, god has TURNED INTO a hater. back in the day, he helped moses part the sea and smote the egyptians as they tried to cross. these days, he doesnt give a rats ass about anyone (tsunami anyone?) i got over that, too. back in the day, he had to get the word out, no one was buying the book. these days, half the bible is incorporated into the declaration of independence, he can kick back and let free will run its course. thats all well and good, but i dont believe in free will. between me and you, ive had sex before. no baby popped out. i think when you do knock someone up, its gods will, or else i think i would have done it by now. with that in mind, i dont think abortion is bad in a spiritual sense, becuase if you think a doctor can outfox god, youre crazy as hell.
so my spiritual crisis is more along these lines; whats up god? what do you want from me? either tell me what to do, or step off. and, with that in mind, maybe he is telling me what to do. i think god is in all of us, and it just a matter of listening, so is doing whatever the hell i want in fact doing gods work? how do i know i am communicating with god? for all i know im communicating with some guy named gary from detroit. will god have more of a booming voice?
i went to church for the first time in eight years today, funerals withstanding. part of the sermon was about not overcomplicating your life. sometimes we work so hard to be able to not work so hard, when we could have just done that in the first place. i agree somewhat. my desire in life is the honeys. i know it. everything i do is for the pursuit of the honeys. i dont think if i gave it all up, the clothes, the fancy dinners, the bathing, that suddenly the honeys would come out of the woodwork. not that i really want that. just one honey.
so, with all that in mind, i think i am gonna buckle down and start a band. yeah, i know, im a little old for that, and i have nothing but a bass guitar, and i cant play anything. whateva! if its what i want to do, it must be what god wants me to do. i only get a chance once i figure. fuck saving money, life presents an opportunity snatch it! financially, i should be fine paying my bills, but i wont have any extra dough, so i need to get everything now.
whats that, how does this uncomplicate your life you say? well, in manys ways it doesnt. in others it does. i am just changing my life. i always want to be alone (yet my true desire is companionship) and i love music, so what better life for me than to lock myself in a room?